My life between the ages 11-16, were some very difficult times in my life. I know, ‘You were so young, what could possibly be wrong?’… a lot. A lot could be wrong. Now, my story isn’t one of physical violence, or verbal abuse. I wasn’t saved by a family member from my burning home. I instead, struggled with a more common occurrence. I struggled with depression and self-worth.

Of course, every young mind struggles with self-worth at some point in their life. Its a part of growing up. The one thing that makes my story a little different (not by much) is that in reaching for my self-worth I was blocked and knocked down by one thing. The shadow of my older sister.

Our sibling rivalry, wasn’t rivalry at all. My gorgeous older sister got it all. Every guy in the school had eyes on her. I remember I couldn’t count how many guys had fallen for her in two years. A lot of those guys were guys that I had liked. She was bold, beautiful, vibrant, stunning, down to earth. The ultimate girlfriend material for any high school heart-throb. Where as all of this is amazing for my sister, one of us had to be in the dark. That was me.

I told myself over and over again, that I made her my idol, that I placed myself in her shadow. But there is one flaw in that: every other guy kept me there. ‘Why aren’t you cool like your sister?’, ‘You’re so quiet, why don’t you talk more?’, ‘You’re pretty but your sister is gorgeous’. Almost word for word of every experience my freshman and sophomore year. The last one, is honestly why I’m even writing this post. Basically saying that my sister is Gucci and I’m Polo. Both great brands, but everyone knows Gucci is better. Everyone knew she was better. Hell, even my current boyfriend first had a crush on her. This whole shadow that kept building and building, made my self-worth almost shatter even though it was supposed to be getting better as I was growing older. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep thinking that I will never be anyone’s first choice, I will constantly be scared of the one I love falling for my sister.

For a long time, I felt that there were no exceptions to that theory. Almost every guy proved that I was right in one way or another. There was a guy who liked me when my sister was taken. I’m not even sure if he actually cared about me, or if I was an excuse to get closer to her. Another guy, honestly thought I was pretty, but agreed more with my sister on things that mattered rather than listening to my point of view. As if I was too young and naïve to have an opinion. These influences only added to my lack of self-worth simply because they turned out to be assholes. I grew the worst opinion of myself to where I actually considered cutting.

Now, I know. You’re not supposed to find your self-worth in a man, and trust me, I did not. And I know, that cutting never solved anything. But the feeling of belonging to one person, was such a powerful pull to a lonely girl that at times it felt unbearable. That belonging, is a feeling that I believe every human soul needs. It’s the one thing that keeps us crazy humans, stable.

Anyways, as I grew down in the dumps. My relationship with my sister also disappeared. She really got into her ‘popular’ role for a couple of years to the point that I wanted nothing to do with her. During this time I fought for my own confidence and strength, I stepped out of my comfort zone, but I was still rejected. Time and time again. Even when we were not together I was hearing about how I should be like her, be cool, be talkative, be prettier. I was always compared to her, if not by others by myself.

Then a miracle happened. She found her prince, which meant she was off the market. She graduated, which meant no more constant reminders of what I’m not. And she got married, which means she is permanently off the market. During all of this, I established, little by little, who I wanted to be with the help of some amazing friends. Two in particular filled the sister void I felt for so long. The other turned out to be the love of my life.

He knew everything: how I felt about my sister, how I felt everyone saw me as (not quite as great as Kait), he knew it all. The jerks, the liars, and all difficulties in life during my high school, he was there to show me a new way of thinking, or to just listen. He may have had a crush on my sister the first time he met her, but through all the years of knowing her, he chose me. That is the miracle I carry with me everywhere I go. I was someone’s dream come true regardless of my sister. Regardless of how flawless she is. He still would rather have me. He never compares me to any other woman, he even lectures me every time I do it to myself. Through him, my battle of depression and self-worth has lessened. He has helped me to see the beauty in myself, and to not worry what others think. He helps me to see myself as desirable even without makeup on. He is the ultimate boyfriend, and I know I won the jackpot with him. He isn’t my crutch, he’s my new pair of lenses. I’m learning every day to see myself through his eyes instead of considering myself as forever a second place trophy.

I really hope that any girl who has ever felt second-rate, will realize just as I have that there is no second place. When you find the love of your life, they will love you for you, all of you. Not because they can’t have someone else. Don’t base your self-worth on a person who has just as many flaws as you do, is just as human as you are, and is seemingly more desirable. After all, People don’t realize true beauty until the heart gets to speak. And let your heart shine. Let it be the one thing people can’t get enough of. Be yourself, and be confident because the man that falls for you won’t see anyone else. Stay strong, my single ladies, and have faith, because God knew what He was doing when you came to life, and He never makes mistakes.