On Saturday, I decided to do something that may prove to be entirely stupid (it is likely), but if my theory is correct,  beneficial. Now, to clear somethings up, this is not a reliable research experiment, I don’t have a larger population than one. Me. I’m the sole participant. However, I personally felt like I needed a change of pace and that is what lead me to ghosting my social media. Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the experiment. That’s all folks. The end.

Of course there is a story! Understandably, this is not the first time you may have heard of someone ditching social media. Celebrities do it for weeks, some people refuse to create accounts to begin with. And it all makes sense. But, instead of giving possible answers as to why others have made this decision, I will tell you the tale of little ole me.

This story requires a lot of energy and vulnerability that is not as easy for me to provide. Nevertheless, I know that as a twenty-something, student, worker, woman, daughter, sister, aunt, individual in this society, I am not the only person with this story. I may have the words to someone else’s struggle because I’ve lived through it.

Knowing this, it won’t be surprising to know that I have confidence issues. I’ve spent many times staring at my reflection wishing it looked like Catherine Zeta-Jones instead of little Megan. I have spent so much of my life wishing to look different, a different body type, different hair, different nose, less weight, taller, more ass, smaller boobs, perfect eyebrows. I have spent the entirety of my teenage and young adult life being disappointed in the stretch marks on my thighs and ass, trying to hide them away forever. I kept comparing myself to my gorgeous older sister and women all over the world that I could only see through filters, face-tune, and other edits.

And then on Saturday, something snapped. I don’t want to live like this. I started reflecting on my incessant need for compliments from random strangers to fill my void of validation. I realized that I do not feel like I am enough if someone is not saying how pretty they think I am. This is stupid! I am a behavioral therapist, and a damn good one. I am a student who is constantly learning and I love that about myself. I am a writer and I have written poems that make me feel like I just took a breath of fresh air. But I feel like complete shit, if someone is not complementing me. What?! 

The constant fighting myself between my values and my appearance is quite exhausting, and I know that it is a familiar battle for many. I also understand that our society relies on the constant competition between self esteems to fuel our economy. We use the insecurities of the audience to sway their fingers to reach in their pockets. The audience suddenly doesn’t like their wardrobe, feels frumpy in their clothes, and goes to participate in the ritual that many others are joining in. We see influencers on Instagram and think how shitty our lives are in comparison. They build their lives and make a living by making themselves appear to be the most ambitious, exciting, adventurous, beautiful, talented people. But even for them, it must be exhausting to keep that appearance when things aren’t feeling great. Our society feeds off of comparisons. So, as a some-what useful member of society, I decided to do what might be the hardest thing I have ever done. I took myself out of the comparison pool.

My main reason for choosing such a drastic measure, is to see if my overall quality of life will increase during this time away from my favorite apps. This is more intense now, because we are living in a quarantined society. So, there is already a lot less distractions, seeing as the world is still closed down. However, I am hoping that this time apart from social media will increase my reading time (I have so many books on my shelves that I have not read), increase my creativity, create a sense of calming and peace, give myself time to reflect on aspects of my life that may be starving for attention. I want to learn, ultimately, to find joy that does not rely on my appearance or the validation I receive from others. I want to find happiness within myself. There is a light inside of me, and I see it. It just feels a little out reach. 

This journey isn’t going to be easy, it will be very frustrating and potentially boring, but I’m lucky to have friends and supporters during this time. I have not put an end date to my experiment, purposefully. Part of me hopes I never fully return to the social media craze. But, you never know. I will be posting my updates on how its going. So far, I am on the second day and quite ready to pull my hair out, which is why I began writing about it. It keeps my head clear and calms my anxious storm a little. I hope that this adventure inspires others to consider reasons why they feel like they are “not enough”. And if by chance you find that the little mean voice can be eased (not cured, but its good to be hopeful) by a change in routine and providing more time to reflect and be the you that no one else sees, then maybe you could consider being apart of this journey with me.

I can’t wait to see the result of this ultimate ghosting. Its going to be rough. And when days are especially difficult, I’ll be writing about it. But I’m excited to get to know more about myself during this process. Here’s to being hopeful.