The biggest holiday season of the year just ended. And in 2020, no less. Today embarks the last day of the most dreadful year, and as appropriate 2020 behavior, it’s raining in Texas. It’s cold and wet outside and the clouds make it look even a little more miserable. And as usual, it fits the mood that I’m writing in. Miserable.

The holiday season was hard. It was extremely hard for many people this year. From losing loved ones to COVID, or losing businesses or employment. It has been the worst. Hands down the worst. I currently don’t have enough money to pay my bills and I couldn’t get my niece and nephew Christmas presents. I know, and you may know, that Christmas doesn’t revolve around presents. But try telling that to a six year old and four year old. It’s not as easy.

Luckily, they seemed happy to hang all over me. Literally, my niece was stuck to me the whole time. My niece and nephew invited me to play a portal jumping game to Dinosaur Land and Candy Land where we saw baby dinosaurs and were chased by a T-Rex. They have the best imaginations. I’m so appreciative of them for making that bit of Christmas so much better than I could have expected, and they don’t even know they did it.

However, the lack of finances has caused a huge depletion in self-esteem. I need to rely on my amazing boyfriend to cover the remainder of the bills, to buy groceries, to go and do anything really. I love and appreciate my boyfriend. But this sucks. I don’t have as much freedom, I can’t just go somewhere at the drop of a hat, because it all costs money. Everything costs money. And don’t even get me started on how horrible it feels to not be able to cover your own bills or to go buy groceries, or a coffee.

Bless you, if you have never felt this way or worse before. And if you’re in a similar boat, you are in my thoughts because this is rough. But I’ve noticed, that through these times, I’ve measured my worth with what I can bring to the table. I don’t think I am worthy of basic human needs, if I can’t bring my part to the relationship. So, self-esteem drops and anxiety increases with a cameo of depression.

I’ve been learning through therapy that my worth is not dependent upon what I bring to the relationship. Any relationship. And I love that. Even though I don’t 100% understand how to redirect my thoughts from feeling useless, I now have a foundation. I have a chant that I can tell myself every time I feel miserable, like today.

“You are worthy. As you are. Your worth does not depend on your income. You are worthy of love and affection just as you are.”

It’s not a cure, but it’s a beginning to better understanding how I deal with trials and tribulations.

So, to my amazing readers, if you’re in a similar boat or feeling miserable for any other reason. I want to share with y’all the encouragement I’ve been really trying to offer myself.

You are worthy. Of all the good things. You are worthy of happiness, self-validation, connection, and love from yourself and from others. Your circumstances do not define your worth. You are a whole Queen. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Thank you, for your attention and I hope this little bit of encouragement helps.

Till next time.