Written on November 5th, 2020

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it before, but I think now is a beautiful time to share with y’all.

If you are at all like me, you may be inclined to push important feelings away. Shove them into your “avoidance void“. The deep dark place where you put emotions you’ll “get back to” eventually. I like to do this a lot until I forget those experiences or forget that it affected me in any negative way. However, what I have noticed, is that they never stay dormant.

No matter how hard I tried to bury those emotions, for whichever reason I chose, the feelings of my younger self would unexpectedly appear before me with a very real vengeance. As if they were to say, “how dare you”. Well, they kind of slapped me across the face today.

The story goes like this: I was watching TikTok, because that’s a thing now, and I came across this video of this guy (@gatt0n) singing a song he created about living in different realities from his girlfriend. And a couple of his lyrics really broke me. “Cause you never knew love without condition. You always had to prove that you were worthy of their time”. These lyrics were fuel enough to have me hardcore sobbing for a good five minutes and created a chain of crying sessions that would end up lasting the whole day.

I had school stuff I needed to complete and I really didn’t need to ball my eyes out to the extent that I could barely see out of them. However, I decided to let myself feel everything. It was a lot. It took a lot of control to not hyperventilate. I laid in bed in the dark and let myself acknowledge the pain, to give it a name, space, and to let it run through my body for the first time.

So, I let it out. When I finished, I washed my face. I drank some water. Then I went through some affirmations I had tucked away for a rainy day. I wrote poems acknowledging that a lot of my self hate stemmed from circumstances I had no control over. I wrote about how much I used to hate 15 year old Megan, because to me she was weak. She let people walk all over her, crush her dreams, and keep her silent. She was afraid of everything and I was ashamed to have been that girl. I thought she was worthless.

But, my lovely readers, she was not. She was stronger than I had realized. She went through changes without any proper guidance. She stood up for herself in the end and I realize that I needed her. I needed to walk through her shoes and feel the pain she felt. She was never worthless. She was worthy of love, affection, and acceptance even when she did not receive it.

I hope, when you read this, that you see how important your past is regardless of how heart breaking it is. You are worth more than your circumstances. You are worth more than the trauma and heartache you experienced. And be kind to yourself. Younger you did the best they could with the resources and knowledge they were given. Be kind to who you were. You are worth happiness, love, affection, and acceptance.

Thank you for reading.

Till next time.