Hello, sunshine!

If this is reaching you for the first time, welcome to my journey of self reflection on my road to living authentically. If you’ve been on board for the ride, thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope it has brought you some encouragement.

To reiterate, I am still currently not using social media as an experiment to see if it will increase my self esteem and perspective of myself. And I know, everyone is their own worst critic, but there is a healthy difference between critiques and toxicity. I am determined to find out if reflection in the replacement of constant comparison will help decrease the toxic atmosphere and allow for an overall increase in quality of life.

Now for the hard part.

This week has been rough. I knew it would happen. It’s like a predictable rain cloud that just settles in for a while fogging your perspective and pulling you down ten times harder than Earth’s gravitational pull. I thought I was prepared for this part, but I was wrong. The self deprecating thoughts came back in full force, this time picking apart my abilities as an Registered Behavioral Therapist (being an RBT is what I love the most about myself), as a girl friend, as well as my appearance. I found myself missing my social media, because previously when I felt “less than”, I could post a picture and get immediate gratification, which would then ease the discomfort by a hair or two. But, it was enough to move on. Now without having a very tiny “fan base” or social support system based off of my appearance alone, dealing with your own thoughts is discomforting.

Handling your own insecurities, is not by any means easy. In fact, it is one of the scariest and most challenging things I’ve had to do. Because there is no one to fix these insecurities…..but me. Me, the person who some how thought them up in the first place, who has been using social media to increase these self deprecating thoughts while distracting myself from dealing with them. Now, it’s me versus them without the aides I used to have to boost my ego. And I have never felt so alone.

I’m sure most people understand this perspective but just in case you can’t quite relate to how it feels, imagine attempting to be your own biggest fan except you dislike most things about yourself. Quite the dilemma, right? I’m trying to rely on myself for the reassurance I used to obtain from people I never speak to. Of course I still have my very loving boyfriend (shout out to Robert for being as patient as he is), but the point of this experiment is to not require validation from others, but to look within and realize that I am enough all on my own. It’s hard, to constantly shape your thoughts against their “natural” bend, but I’m trying.

Remember you are not comparing yourself to others, you are trying to love who you are on the inside.

Be proud of you are without needing reassurance.

Be as encouraging to yourself as you are to the kids you work with when they did something amazing. You are doing amazing things too.

The words you say to yourself should be as kind as the words you say to your closest friends

This journey has been so so hard. Not because of being without social media itself, but what came along with it. The reassurance, comparison, self deprecating thoughts, and placing people on pedestals because of their abilities, looks, or opportunities. But the hardest part, has been the continuous redirection of all of those traits or thoughts. It is exhausting to lift your head up constantly and remind yourself that you are worth every amazing thing that has happened to you. That your work matters, your art matters, your dreams that you bury deep within your soul matters. And that all of that makes up the amazingly radiant person you are.

You are worth being kind to yourself. You are enough. And I’m so glad I am going through this now. I can adapt. I will adapt, to these new changes I’m making in my life. I am enough for myself. And if I keep saying it, I know I’ll believe it one day. This journey won’t end by the time I return to social media, this journey will follow me throughout my life but I intend to grow, constantly.

Have an amazing day, lovely people. Till next time.