“There are so many words
fighting to get out of my mouth
or fly with this pen on paper
to weave together my story.”
– she is ready to speak

Megan Strickland

Dear readers,

We are now again, on the brink of a new year and I have found myself writing once again in this often abandoned blog. I have realized one very important reason why I often abandon things after I begin them. I am a late diagnosed woman with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). This means, that out of sight is in deed out of mind, that I will begin a million hobbies and only a few will survive, and that I will hyperfocus on those hobbies until I cannot stand them anymore. Still, I’m sorry for the 2 years silence.

Like many posts that I have made before, for my once a year reunion, I have a lot to update. As one can imagine, a lot can happen in 2 years and oh boy, was it a roller coaster ride. I will do my best summarize my story or maybe I’ll tell it in chapters as I feel the need to divulge, remember, feel, and heal. I am excited to share my story. I feel like the plot finally thickened, the character development went through the roof, and we are so incredibly proud of the growth.

Before I begin my very long-winded story line, I do want to let you all know that I updated my website. I created a new layout, changed the Welcome In! and About Me page. So, please check it out when you get the chance. I would love feedback. Thank you, friends.

---

2022 The Whirlwind of Emotions

“They say not everyone
can go where you’re going
nor see the transformation.
I just wasn’t expecting to lose you
in the process of growing.”

Megan Strickland

Let’s start from the beginning.

I loved. I opened up. And I left.

I don’t remember how often I wrote about my previous relationship. And quite frankly I don’t have the desire to go back and read through those posts if I did. So, I will summarize.

I dated my high school sweetheart. We were best friends for three years prior to dating and would date for 9 years. He was my first for everything. We lived together for 8 of the 9 years we were together. I lived with him and his family. Then he lived on my family’s property with me. We both commuted an hour 3 times a week to attend our junior college together.

Then we moved out of the small town we both grew up in to go to a University. I graduated with my bachelor’s and began my masters program. I found a job that I loved and a career that spoke to me in amazing ways. And the more I would grow, the wider the gap between us began to grow.

2022 began the rest of my life. Do you remember, in the movie Tangled, when Rapunzel finally gets out of the tower? Do you remember how sporadic her mood would change from guilt, to freedom, to shame, to freedom again? 2022 was a lot like that for me.

It started off with a lot of stress. I was working full time and was a full time student. I tried to keep up with my social life as much as I could, but in the end it would be the one to go.

In March, we would open our relationship. I had come out to him previously that I was bi. We began to date other people while still being together and living together. He wanted a more sexual experience and I wanted to romanced.

In July I started dating a woman in a similar relationship dynamic. She was my first girlfriend. And the four of us would work out the kinks as much as we could for me and her to support our nesting partners as much as possible and also have the time to nourish what we had growing. To clarify, only me and her were dating. It was not a foursome.

In September, I left him. I realized that I had accepted less than what I deserved, less than what I offered, for 9 years. The first girlfriend helped me realize that a lot. When she was with me, she would be so thoughtful, and advocate for me in ways I didn’t know I needed. Having someone else fight for me was what I needed. And the saying “if they wanted to they would”, really rang true. He didn’t want to. So I chose myself and walked out the door.

The next few months were the lowest I had ever felt mentally and physically. I was living with the girlfriend and her nesting partner. They would help me through my depression in big ways. They helped me clear the previously shared apartment space into a neutral space while I sobbed.

They washed the walls, noticed the hole in one, picked up all of his dirty clothes that were scattered in piles on the floor. They took out the dresser that he destroyed the front part of the top drawers. And all I could do was grieve. All the investment. All the years of trying to convince him to love me the way that I needed. All of the dreams I had been collecting alone. All of it was gone.

If you remembered from the previous post I made, my Mammaw was also going through a very hard time with cancer. We thought Christmas of 2022 was going to be our last Christmas with her. (Spoiler alert, she’s still here with us 2 christmases later!!) It was the first Christmas I didn’t have someone with me to help fend off my family. The first time I cried in front of my family in years and no one had died.

I ended the year feeling heartbroken and beat. But this was where the magic began to happen. This was an important year for choosing myself.

If you’re reading this, I hope you choose yourself. If you find yourself in a stagnant relationship with anyone family, friends, lovers, I hope you choose yourself. If you are typically the selfless type, I hope you choose yourself. If you are the type to hide in the corner to keep from making any disruptions, I hope you choose to live as loudly as a 3 year old child that grew up in a healthy environment. I hope you learn to invest in yourself. You are worth it.

Till next time, friends.